Demographic Study: Stay Classy Lassie

Stay Classy Lassie is the one chick in any group of friends who refuses to drink/smoke pot/have premarital sex/sneak into college theater productions without paying, and makes it quite obvious that she feels she is BETTER that everyone else because of it. For SCL, engaging in any of these acts is a question of MORALITY, and unlike her hooligan friends (who she might compare to all the characters in The Great Gatsby), she simply wouldn't feel right acting wrong.

J. Sims -- SCL-to-be?

What makes Stay Classy Lassie different from your regular goodie-two-shoes/nerd/hardcore Christian however is that SCL is incredibly confident -- and in many cases, quite intelligent and/or good-looking too -- so that she manages to ingratiate herself into any group of drinkers/smokers/premarital sex-engagers/theater rip-er off-ers, winning them over with her sparkling personality and intelligence/good looks, only to lambaste them vocally for their debaucherous behaviors the moment their backs are turned.

Uh-huh.

For example, Stay Classy Lassie might go out with a large group of friends for a happy hour and wait until one "friend" gets sufficiently drunk. She'll then casually turn to said friend's crush and say something like, "yeah, I used to drink all the time, back in the day, but I was so sloppy and out-of-control when I did, I just had to give it up" -- while staring steadily at said "friend" with laser beams the whole time. Work Lassie will wait until the boss comes 'round the corner to exclaim, "your eyes look red. Are you high?", even if you've just explained you're getting over meningitis. SCL doesn't care if you're ACTUALLY high -- all that matters is that you could be. And she couldn't. Because she has morals.

Are you on drugs?

Of course, no one likes a moralist, and SCL probably wouldn''t have any friends at all if she didn't have some obvious and ridiculous vice of her own -- a tendency to flirt with every guy she sees; red lipstick and hooker boots; explosive fits of anger; chronically shop-lifting gum packs -- which she never, ever mentions and pretends nobody else is aware of either.

Really, SCL probably has some deep psychological issues -- maybe Daddy was an alchy, and booze freaks her out, and or she's terrified of trying pot and having a flashback to her childhood molestation -- or maybe she's just a rude, manipulative bitch. Either way, she's known for being incredibly passive-aggressive, which means the best way to stop Stay Classy Lassie in her tracks is to call her out -- she'll be so mortified by the accusation that she'll shrink away in horror and pretty much stop talking shit about you-- except for maybe in hushed voices, when no one else is in the room.

Which you couldn't care less about anyway, because you're too busy getting shit-faced.

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