Demographic Study: Lesbian wolf pack running rampant in Philly?

Sometimes, I don't need to define different demographic types. Sometimes, they define themselves. Consider for example, this Craig's List Missed Connection posting, simply entitled "Wolf Pack":

As the acting Packleader, I extend an open invitation to the OP, as well as every other woman out there who is interested in becoming a part of our "pack". R u a scorpio, girl get ova here. Although I may be squashing the fantasies of many reading this, we are not all sleeping with one another . We choose to leave the sexual tension intact within the group, thus allowing us to exude our sexiness and desirability which is clearly visible to all who witness us in all of our glory. The hazing process is simple: keep up with us! You're either IN or your OUUUUT like Heidi Klum. You want to run with the dangerous pack? You have to step up and be an active participant in the madness that ensues wherever we show up and best believe that the parrty don't start till WE walk in! You have to be able to put it round your neck like a hula hoop while you are all up in the SCENE/STIMULUS/ETC. party before we close down the club, we dance on the bartops, slither our way through the dance floor, suck the bartender dry, and makeout with your girlfriends ;) (standard)



We don't allow any shape shiftin bitches so if you wanna be down, you gotta show that you wanna be down, and occasionallly go down (not on us)(yet/ever)(our soon to be friend). We are seeking those that like to keep their grass cut. Can Miss Becky please raise her hand and drop it low girl? Friends are friends so you have to know how to keep it real; if a skinnny bitch is shakin, tell the bitch she's hungry and give her an apple or a basket of wings. Be true, be genuine, be honest, have credibility, and follow through with every word you say. Give her some ranch and some blue cheese with the celery. Be a good person and hold the hair if she throws up or drive her home if she wants to go home, like Avril Lavigne. Failure is not an option so have goals and begin with the end in mind - or else we are already gone like Kelly Clarkson. Time to let us upgraaaaaaaaaaade you. You used to beat that block, but now you can be the block. Here's a few pointers:

We like girls that like girls that like boys that like boys that like girls that like each other, does that make sense? We'll be the best friends that you can ever have, our heart is true, we're a pal and a confidant, but if you fuck wit us then you stuck wit us. We keep it tight and although we all have our own certain patterns, we are the literal definition of first rate. If you don't know you better ask somebody. We're not cocky, but we're confident, hell a few of us would even date ourselves (figuratively speaking). Don't be kinda snotty actin real rude, you know you are gonna read the rest of this cause we posted pictures and you might just wanna show. Shawwwty wanna a thug bottles n PINK in da club.


We are children and elderly friendly so if you happen to be pregnant at one point at your life, we could still still show for your baby shower as well as make you lime jello and a poached egg. We do community events and also serve the elderly. We take them shopping, get them extensions on Kohl's cash, make Wawa extend their hours as well as deliver ice, not to mention take them out for bingo every now and again. "HIIIIIII" A good heart is required to participate in these events as patience is a virtue and watching Oprah is required. If you have preacher hands, you have a good side saddle and can help us feed the community the pudding. For those that don't, be sure to bring Pop-pop his grape vodka and slippers.

Male applicants must apply and read the rules of section 69:42:3OH3:STANDARD.

So what, you're still a rockstar?



Let's trade living in a bar for living in a penthouse, swap the whiskey for a mimosa during Sunday brunch, and change skinny dipping in hotels to flashing hot women and men underwater in a pool at an all inclusive resort in Jamaica. That's a real wolf pack. Show your magical Vagiiiina. That's the Entourage that is IN for 2010.

I could not make something more awesome up if I tried. Even the photos are priceless (note: these photos were included with the ad; I did not add these in). What I want to know is: have you seen the Wolf Pack in action? How rock star are they? And most importantly: Shawwwty wanna a thug bottles n PINK in da club?

That's what I thought.

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Best New Music: Yeasayer!

I've seen Yeasayer live a whole bunch of times, not even counting the times I saw Anand Wilder sing and dance to musical numbers in college. Every time, they were retardedly great...and so is their sweet new album, Odd Blood, which drops Feb. 9 on Secretly Canadian.


You see that weirdo album cover? It's only a taste of the weirdness that ensues, on a record that is dance-y, trance-y, synth-tastic and falsetto-rific, plus lots of other fake words that still convey shades of awesomeness. Read more, and check out a sweet vid, at Phrequency.com.

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Demographic Study: The levelist

According to Urban Dictionary, a "levelist" is "an online gamer who kicks another online gamer out of an online game room because he/she is not of a certain level." Similarly, in a non-virtual realm, a levelist is a guy or girl obsessed with social standing, who will only interact with people of a certain perceived level of coolness.

World of Warcraft -- tiger level only!!!

Yet the levelist is more than just an eager social climber -- rather, he/she is obsessed with putting people into categories and making sure those categories remain pure. The levelist himself is the only one allowed to float between the categories -- although certainly not within the same party or event.

Consider, for example, 19-year-old Ben. Ben is studying psychology in college; he's also the drummer for a garage rock band, and member of a frat. Ben is a levelist. He has 3 distinct groups of friends: his psychology classmates, his band mates, and his frat brothers. With each group he looks and acts slightly differently -- to class, he wears glasses, acts studious, and quotes Clockwork Orange, which his classmates adore. To band practice, he wears skinny jeans, smokes cigarettes and listens to vinyl; with his frat brothers (ah, the frat brothers!) he dons polos and drinks Budweiser, while slouching on the couch eating potato chips.

Shades of Ben: an artist's rendition

And that's fine. Ben is allowed to have different sides to his personality, which he expresses through different groups of friends. The problem arises when his frat throws a party and his classmates show up, or his band plays a show and the bros are in attendance. The levelist can't deal with these sorts of overlap and is likely to freak out -- or at least behave very, very badly towards whichever group he thinks is ruining the vibe.

Say his classmate Phil -- who he has lunch with every Tuesday after his seminar on mental disease -- plays the keyboard. Ben's band needs a keyboardist. But Ben would rather hire a rando off Craig's List than give Phil a shot -- because Phil is nerdy and listens to Coldplay and were Ben to introduce Phil to his band mates, Phil's intrinsic un-band-ness might reflect poorly on Ben. Were Phil to come to a gig, Ben would pretend not to notice him -- because Phil is a school friend and school friends and band friends don't mix. (The same thing would happen should one of his frat brothers try to join Ben's study group -- having a "bro" in the circle would rob Ben of intelligence points.)

Revenge of the Nerds = not real life.

Ultimately, Ben probably has one group of friends which he regards as superior to all the rest -- this is the group he'll eventually "settle" into once he is out of school and his social circle narrows. But for now, he needs to be a chameleon and float between groups, so he can feel cherished and accepted where ever he goes.

And while Ben's behavior at times is absolutely egregious, there's nothing you can do to change his mind. Some people see the world in black and white; some see shades of gray. Ben is in the first category. Take it easy on him or his brain just might explode.

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Neighborhood Watch: The best bar in Philly?

I've only spent 3 1/2 years going to bars in Philly. Unbelievable, I know. But really there's no point hitting in the bars until you're 21 (unless you have a fake...which I never did) and for the most part, until then, I was quite satiated drinking free solo cups of nastiness at whatever frat party I happened to happen upon (although mostly those that happened in my basement, at Pilam.)

Mmm.

Anyway, I've spent a lot of time thinking about the best bars in Philly, because: if you're gonna get your drink on, why not do it in the best way possible? The only problem is: determining the best bars is tricky. And also subjective. And so: (because it's the winter, and I have nothing else to do) I decided to research this topic, and see what the prevailing opinion might be. Read on to learn about my discoveries!

Now in order to accurately research any topic, it's important to have a multiplicity of voices. (I learned this from my job of publishing "literature reviews.") To accomplish this, I have selected 3 disparate groups of sources that altogether, I hope, will help me solve this mystery. The 3 source groups I chose are: 1) experts; 2) non-experts and 3) myself (somewhere in between the two.)

Beer expert? (Maybe)

First, let's go to the experts, by which I mean: alternative weekly employees, who arguably spend more time drinking away their sorrows than any other employee group (with the possible exception of starving artists, who use it mostly for inspiration.)

In 2008, Philly Weekly, in what I believe is STILL their most-read story to date, broke it down slow, with this comprehensive list of what they believe are the 50 best bars in the city. Let's take a look at the top 15:

1. Grace Tavern
2. North 3rd
3. Good Dog
4. Sugar Mom's
5. McMenamin's
6. Standard Tap
7. Royal Tavern
8. For Pete's Sake
9. Oscar's
10. Raven Lounge
11. Bob & Barbara's
12. Southwark
13. Dawson Street Pub
14. Dark Horse
15. Silk City

Not a bad list. I've never been to Grace Tavern, McMenamin's, Southwark or Dawson Street (hey, a girl can only go where her feet can take her) but the rest of them are pretty cool. But are they the best bars in the city? I dunno. North 3rd/Standard Tap/Royal Tavern always seemed a bit overpriced to me (you know, "gastropubs" for fake scenesters with Mom + Dad's credit card to blow on $13 shrimp quesadillas) but I'll admit they have great food. Sugar Mom's is rightfully awesome, and seeing it on here reminds me how I want to go there soon. Bob + Barb's has some sort of beloved legend attached to it, but is really just a regular place, regularly filled with weird people. (Sometimes we can hear them from our balcony!) Oscar's probably made the list because it's right next to the PW offices. And in general, this list seems to have a certain hipster idealism to it, which sorta implies these bars are the COOLEST bars in Philly, rather than the "best," necessarily.

B+B's: only 20 feet from my house! (photo by Inna S.)

But vaguely hipsterish is what Philly Weekly does, and you can't fault them for that. And so I decided to get a second opinion from a decidedly uncool group of opinion-holders: Yelp-ers. Yes, that's right. Using my extremely advanced interneting skills, I did a search for the best bars in Philly, as rated by Yelp users. I omitted anything outside the city proper (that means you, Roxoborough and Manayunk) and anything with less than 10 reviews.

Here are the top 15 results:

1. The Franklin Mortgage & Investment Co
2. Mahogany On Walnut
3. Tria (12th and Spruce)
4. Tria (18th and Locust)
5. Sassafras International Cafe
6. Memphis Taproom
7. Fiume
8. Le Bar Lyonnais
9. Zahav
10. North Bowl
11. Xochitl
12. Bob & Barbara's
13. Good Dog Bar and Restaurant
14. Standard Tap
15. South Philadelphia Taproom

Franklin Mortgage Co. --from their website. Looks swank.

Overlap? Only 3: Bob+ Barb's, Good Dog, and Standard Tap.

Once again, the top spot eludes me: I've never been to the Franklin Mortgage & Investment Co. (the name seems a bit too Mad Men for my taste), nor Mahagony on Walnut, which appears to be a cigar bar, so I'm not even sure it counts. It's also interesting to note that despite the amount of time Yelp fans spend in front of their computers writing reviews...they actually have quite the refined taste. Tria definitely markets itself as a sophisticated wine + cheese type of joint (my old roommate, who is pretty much the classiest lady I know, worked there; my be-jeaned and be-hoodied boyfriend detests it) and Le Bar Lyonnais is attached to the most expensive restaurant in town.

Then of course you have North Bowl, which again, almost doesn't count (are people really loving it for the DRINKS?) and the B+Bs/Good Dog/Standard Tap triumvirate which is...whatever it is. (Maybe I'm just unenthused since I live within a quarter-mile of 2 of the 3).

A really sweet shot of North Bowl from above. From VisitPhilly.

So there you have it: the "expert" and "non-expert" opinions. And still no closer to finding out what's what! Which means: it must be time to move on to my 3rd and final source...myself. Here are the bars yours truly spends the most time trolling about:

1. Johnny Brenda's (for show, show, shows! Plus killer local beer selection)
2. The Khyber (close to work, $1 beers, $3 tater tots!)
3. National Mechanics (close to work, $6 burgers!!, ambiance, quizzo)
4. Kung Fu Necktie (more shows, ambiance, now with pool table!)
5. The Misconduct Tavern (close to home, never crowded, killer burger!)
6. Good Dog (admittedly awesome, but you have to time it right)
7. Bob & Barbara's (you'd think we'd go here more, but damn, the weekend crowds blow)
8. Dock Street (would be higher, if it weren't so damn far away)
9. World Cafe Live (I actually think their taps taste like poop, but drink from them anyway when I'm hanging at shows here)
10. Locust Rendezvous (tiny lil neighborhood dive with completely ridiculous specials)

Do you see a pattern emerging? The pattern clearly is: bars close to my home/work/other work, with cheap beer/good burgers. Other bars I really like but never go to based on distance: the Royal Tavern, the P.O.P.E., Local 44, all those cool places at the Piazza. I'm not taking the subway somewhere just to get a beer (I make an exception for Dock Street because I have mad friendz in West Phillz.)

At the khyber. (drinking water?)

So: for the grand conclusion (don't you just love this part?): when we compare all 3 lists (I think this is how the academics do it), we're left with 2 places: Bob + Barbara's and Good Dog. And honestly...I don't think either is the best bar in the city. Bob + Barbara's is a lil bit too gimmicky to be a fave; they have cover charges Friday and Saturday nights, drag shows (with even higher covers!) on Thursday night and just way too many annoying art students playing Trivial Pursuit really loudly the rest of the time. And Good Dog...is pretty sweet but it's always so crowded. And sometimes the waitresses are snotty. And would it kill them to have a damn beer under $4?

Have you ever had the Good Dog burger? It is exquisite. Just looking at
this makes me crave one. Mmmmm. (Photo by Robin Lee)

So what is the best bar in the city? Damned if I know. But maybe we're not SUPPOSED to know, or else everyone in the city would only go there, and every place else would go out of business. And then, that awesome place would get super crowded and not be as good anymore and...oh, I don't know. But I think I need a drink.

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Best New Music: The Maldives

I'm not really a country fan, but the Maldives aren't really a country band. Ok, so maybe they are, but they're not JUST a country band...this Seattle 9-piece mixes a little bit of everything, by which I mean: country, folk, rock'n roll, twang, line-dancing and sweet, sweet heart-breaking ballads complete with banjo and fiddle.

Can't you tell just by looking at them?

Is it the best of all worlds? I think so. (How very Rousseau of me.) Learn more at Phrequency.com.

And also, just because this made me think of it:

We're all a little bit country when you're perfectly honest with yourself. Happy listening!

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Sometimes, I think in third person

You'd never know it by knowing me, necessarily -- for the most, I try to keep my thoughts to myself (otherwise, people look at you strange as you walk down the street muttering) -- but I've been this way for as long as I can remember. I don't know if it's a result of spending too much time reading books as a child (first person accounts in present tense)-- but I've always been super self-aware of what my actions look and sound like, so that I'll wake up one morning tired and lock my apartment and go to work and in my head, narration will be playing:

And so she locked the door tiredly, her scuffed cowboys boots barely leaving the ground as she trudged slowly to work, wishing for a quiet moment that she could go back to last night and revel in the debauchery longer -- beer in one hand, swaying to the beats -- allowing the music to transport her to another dimension-- far, far away from the unforgiving Philadelphia winters.

Unforgiving winters. 2009.

I'm constantly interviewing myself in my head too-- as if some reporter stopped me dead in my tracks and asked me what music I'm listening to, or my reaction to some major current event. It helps me sound smarter and more prepared SHOULD these questions come up (not that a "reporter", so to speak, would ever want to talk to me) and forces me to develop my own opinions. Or maybe it's just that I spent so much of my time isolated (sitting in a cubicle, in a freakishly quiet office), communicating with the outside world through gchat and bizarre internet speak, that I need to make up imaginary people to actually converse with. I can only begin to imagine the effects of constant internet-ing on the human brain. Does this happen to anyone else?

Internets.

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Free yo' mind...

...and the rest will follow! (God I wish I was older than 7 when this video came out.)

Happy MLK Day!

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And now, a Jersey girl's unfettered thoughts on the reality TV program bonanza, Jersey Shore

I'm not really a TV person. No, seriously! My apartment doesn't even have cable. So it's a good thing that Jersey Shore is available streaming online, to propel me back into the netherworld from which I sprang.

Nah, I'm just kidding. I don't hail from the Jersey Shore, although I do hail from Jersey, and am Italian (just half though...as if you couldn't tell from the name!) and quite fond of partying. What's more, my grandparents live down the Jersey Shore, in a small town called Point Pleasant, which just so happens to be right next to Seaside Heights (or as my dad affectionately calls it: Sleaside Heights), the trashy beach location where this televised shitshow goes down. I spent the weekend after senior prom in Seaside, and many a bathing suit-ed summer, walking around the boardwalk with my friends, sucking in my gut and trying to look older. That place holds memories from my youth like woah.

Unfortunately, at the moment, the only I can find from the J-shore
is this ridiculous snapshot. I must be like 10 years old here.
Note my brother Dan doing a funky move in the background.

So you'd probably think, given all these factors, that I would DESPISE the program Jersey Shore, for making "my people" or whatever, look retarded. In fact, I can't get enough. I've been a LOYAL follower of Jersey Shore ever since I discovered its awesomeness and I completely disagree with any claim that it's offensive or inappropriate.

Here's what I love the most:

These are real people doing their real people things. Gawker ran an excellent post a few days ago about how the first season of a reality TV show is the only "real" one because after the first season airs, its stars become too aware of what they're doing, and start playing into expectations and stereotypes, doing what they THINK viewers WANT them to do, rather than just being themselves. The characters on Jersey shore are interesting because they're sincere (even in their flagrant insincerity!). Pauly D., Ronnie and "the Situation" honestly live by the mantra of gym, tanning, laundry (GTL), and JWOWW (somebody please tell me what that 3rd "w" is doing there) honestly believes giant fake boobs and belly-button rings connected to her jeans via chain-- are hot. It seems so foreign to us all because we're not a part of the subculture.

hot?

The "extra" people all seem totally normal in comparison. You know that one blond "grenade" that keeps showing up with her cute, non-grenade-y friend? (the brunette that the Situation wants to mack on but then ends up getting arrested during one of the fights?) These girls look like 1000 other people I know, have seen walking down the street time and time again. The interaction between the "guidos/guidettes" and "other" people vacationing at the shore seems totally organic to me. I feel like I could end up on Jersey Shore, if only I went to one of these bars, got tipsy, and flirted with the dude with the camera crew following him (not that I would do this, ever.)

These girls.

Because even though they're on television, none of them can actually get laid. Who's had a successful hook-up at the Jersey shore house, other than Sammi and Ronnie, who are roommates and totally boring anyway? Nobody. Poor Mike must have called 20 girls in the last episode...and still had to go into "creep mode" to snag a date. Even JWOWW and her gigantic boobs can't attract a man, although she could probably nestle a beer-bottle between those things and walk around, which might be a turn on for the types she's looking at.

Oh wait, I forgot about this. Score one for Snooki, and this man whose name she can't remember!

The fact that nothing actually happens. I hate it when reality shows try to craft a plot where none exists. Jersey Shore doesn't do this. Sure, stuff happens -- everyone goes out dancing, gets drunk, maybe fights with each other or fights with some innocent bystanders -- but there's no over-arching storyline. Just some kids hanging out for the summer. Actually like summers are.

What's happening here? Oh wait, nothing.

It reminds me of my roots...while making me so glad they're not actually my roots. Yeah, I'm Italian, but I've never heard the term "guidette" before watching this show. Or "grenade" or "creep" or "vibing" or "creatures." But now -- should I ever WANT to enter this strange and sleazy underworld -- I have the lingo down pat. Now to go buy a tight tee shirt and cut it up all weird.

like this.

Since these people are just pretend celebrities, I could totally hang out with them if I really wanted to! Wait a second, actually, that's not true. These guys are REAL celebrities and here's proof: these fuckers get paid massive bucks to show up at places and get their party on, with Snooki topping the list at $10,000 an appearance. I'd take getting punched in the face for that!



Wait, no, what's that? You seriously want to hang with these people? Heh. Turns out you're in luck! It just so happens that Sammi "Sweetheart" and Ronnie (can we call him "steroid king?") will be at Philly's very own McFadden's next Friday night, hosting something they like to call a "Halfway to the shore party." I know, it's winter, but it's never too early to break out the self-tanner! Please, go to this, and then tell me all about it.

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Best New Music: Swedish for Beginners

Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy! (Guess how this music will make you feel?)

(Here's a hint:)

Yes, this is a freaking delightful live performance -- because Swedish for Beginners are just freaking delightful! Are you totally in love with them already? Read more -- and check out their adorable futuristic video -- at Phrequency.com. It's like eating an ice cream sundae on your birthday!

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Time capsule: 5 years ago today

Here's a Xanga entry (remember xanga?) I wrote on January 9, 2005, while stuck at my parent's house during winter break.

Currently Reading Cotton Candy on a Rainy Day By Nikki Giovanni see related

^^i haven’t done anything
meaningful in so long
it’s almost meaningful to do nothing

i suppose i could fall in love
or at least in line
since i’m so discontented
but that takes effort
and i don’t want to exert anything
neither my energy nor my emotions

~“Being and Nothingness (to quote a philosopher)”

I think i am in the minority of those who read poetry because it's so meaningful. I mean that.

I'm not prolific, just full of thought. I've been thinking about B.Ridge. It's so easy not to, but I have been nonetheless. I think I decided I was finished with this town when I graduated high school. I wanted nothing more to do with it. And yet where am I right now?

Being here makes me feel so stagnant. It's as if something in the water effectively turned off my intellectual faucet. I'm so lazy. I sleep all day. Even my social life stagnates. Kev and Tom, always. They're great guys. I love them both, but our conversations are trite and laconic. We drive around, watch movies, drink coffee and talk about how bored we are. Why do our conversations stagnate? Is it because nothing is happening? How much of conversation revolves around events? That's sort of lame. Maybe it's cuz we've been doing this for years...coffee, movies, driving around. We know each others' life stories. We know what we want from each other. Notions of romance are obsolete between us. So much apathy. Is it friendship just to pass the time? It didn't used to be like that.

At Penn, life is dynamic. Stuff happens, circumstances change. Here nothing ever changes. I come back after months and school and it's exactly the same. Whiny competitive teenagers, angry parents, still nowhere to get food after midnight. It grows so old.

Garden State hit close to home in more ways than one. Talking to Tom, he wants a Natalie Portman to sweep him off his feet, but it's not happening. I'm not her. We need to save ourselves. Can one find passion here? I feel so lost much of the time. And as much as I'm through with this town, I keep coming back because there's nowhere else. I need direction. Even at Penn, I find it hard to be truly interested in anything more than a few English classes. I can't keep doing this all my life, reading books and writing papers. No plans, no goals. I'll keep returning to Basking Ridge as long as I continue to stagnate.

But in some ways, I feel like it could be profitable, if only I let it. B.Ridge is like a big wood without people or events to spark meaningful activity. Maybe I should do it like Thoreau--use the time to find myself. It's nearly impossible. Instead I watch TV, see a thousand movies that I find deeper than they are cuz my life is shallow in comparison. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic.

I need to get back to school and get my mind in gear. Stop passing the time in frivolous ways. I want to find my passion. I want to meet a nice boy. I'm inspired by some cheesy Urban Outfitters type book to readjust my standards for romance. I'm doing a good job thus far. Already, hopes are dashed, but such is life. Shit happens, life goes on. Maybe it's the smalltown apathy just extending itself to my emotional core. I wouldn't be surprised.

Back tomorrow. Finally.

me, age 18.

I used to be such a writer back then, and so full of emotion. What happened to me? Now it's all snark and witty commentary, a glossy exterior crafted for the world to judge. Why don't I model my life after Thoreau anymore? Am I that shallow and uninterested in reflection?

In some ways, this entry makes me chuckle. I'm amused with my 19-year-old self longing for romance. Less than one month after this entry, I met and fell in love with my boyfriend Matt. Is it possible that falling in love makes you less interesting?

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Demographic Study: The Walking Talking Trainwreck (WTTW)

The Walking Talking Trainwreck (lovingly abbreviated WTTW) is the guy or girl at the revfest who has rocketed way beyond normal levels of polite intoxication and is (to the astonishment of everyone there!) outrageously, retardedly and hilariously DRUNK -- yet somehow able to walk around and carry on semi-intelligible conversation (emphasis on SEMI) despite the fact that they probably should be comatose.

How do they do it? It's hard to say. Obviously, everyone holds their alcohol* differently, and I know from personal experience that sometimes...at a large party where the drinks keep flowing...it's easy to take down one after another without realizing how ridiculous you are...until you wake up the next morning with a massive hangover and a slew of embarrassing photos posted on facebook.

Work holiday party, 2008. See the blurry man to the far right? That's my boss.

Yeah, that's right. ANYONE who ate a huge lunch, then drank 9 margaritas can become a WTTW for just one night -- although it's the repeat offenders I'm most interested in (i.e., those with the ability to completely trash themselves over and over again). These types usually fall into one of the following categories:

• sheltered college students "enjoying life" for first time
• bored, spoiled, loaded trust-funders with nothing else to do
• bored, lazy, jobless assholes with nothing else to do
• actual alcoholics
  
• a combination of some or all of the above

Myself, freshman year college ("enjoying life for the first time.")
Also: the second worst photo of me ever (see the worst here)

What is it like having nothing to do but drink all the time? It sounds fun, and a little bit reckless. But why not be reckless when you have no responsibilities? Invite the WTTW to your party and watch them turn it into a massive rager--the WTTW has tons of friends acquired through nonstop partying, and can round up a crowd in less than 30 minutes. Just be sure to hide your expensive, breakable wine glasses in an out-of-reach cabinet!

Hanging with the WTTW is always a blast--they're great at encouraging revelry, and making sure your drink is full. They also don't have a bedtime (no job, remember?) and are happy to troll around the city all night, hitting after-hours joints (no worries, they know the bouncer) until the sun comes out. Some --it's rumored -- are actually vampires, and can only function when it's dark out.

Another classic from freshman year.

Since the WTTW spends so much of their time drunk, "sober" is actually an enlightened state for them. Some might show up at an art opening and--upon finding out there's no wine--will claim they feel "dizzy" and "confused." Actually, they're just suffering from a never-ending hangover, which they usually cover up with even more booze.

While spending a night with the WTTW is fun, non-WTTW's might find themselves exhausted, embarrassed and totally out-of-it the next morning, and will need a full day to recover. "That was outrageous!" they'll think to themselves, wondering how the WTTW can manage. It's a tough job, but somebody''s got to do it.


*Or cocaine, or ecstasy, or whatever the case may be.

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Best New Music: Vampire Weekend

Love 'em (because they're so damn cute!), hate 'em (because they look better than you in a cardigan sweater) there's one thing you can't deny: these Ivy League brats (I'm allowed to say that because I'm one too!) can craft some mighty fine party tunes. Their newest, Contra, drops next week -- but is available all over the internet, streaming, for FREE! Read my uncensored thoughts as to why this bad-boy is so, so good at the only place for Kate's uncensored thoughts: Phrequency.com.

I want flower boy's cardigan. Also, a mustard-colored tweed blazer.

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It rolled in like a wildfire...

And out like a lamb? Here are a few shots from NYE 2010.










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