Demographic Study: The iPhone Killjoy

A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away -- before the invention of iPhones and Androids and other mental masturbiation portable internet devices -- people used to debate things. At bars, or parties, or small social gatherings. These "things" ranged in topic, from the many alternative uses for flaxseed oil (paints! plastics! European food!) to the true age of Justin Bieber (5,274) and generally, the drunker and more spirited everyone was, the more fun the debate.

Old man Biebs, for realz (via this site.)

These debates would sometimes rage for hours, as intoxicated parties blabbered on, recalling details from 7th grade science, and 2010 Gawker posts, and generally came to a draw, without some ultimate authority (flaxseed scientists, Bieber's mom) to officiate. Not anymore. Enter the iPhone Killjoy, the man or woman savvy with the internet, whose type-type-typing away will put an end to all debates once and for all. How old is Bieber? 17, according to Wikipedia, which also lists 27 uses for flaxseed. A pragmatist at heart, the iPhone Killjoy sees no need for discussion, since all these facts can be easily accessed via the InterWebs.

Woah! According to this birthday app, the Biebster and I were born on the same day!

The problem with the iPhone Killjoy is... sometimes the debate is the most fun part, and no one really cares about the truth. No one shuts down a lively discussion quicker, or with more aplomb than the iPhone Killjoy, who also gets to come off as a smart-ass (when really, he just owns a data plan.) Wanna keep the iPKJ from ruining your word-y wrangle? Have your party at a bar with no cell reception or loudly announce that iPhones are for cheaters. Or better yet -- choose for your debate a topic that Wikipedia CAN'T administer -- like religion, or politics, or the most overrated band of all time. You know, the usual. Let's see you internet that, Killjoy!


Previously on Demographic Study: Shady McNotster; The 5 Levels of Hipster Revile

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